Therapy isn’t just about surviving conflict, it’s about building the communication, trust, and connection that sustain a relationship through every stage of life. In this Q&A, MindWell NYC therapist Bonnie Siegel Weisenberg shares how she helps couples move past stonewalling and disconnection, rebuild after betrayal, and develop the everyday skills that make relationships genuinely thrive.
What are some of the most common issues couples come to therapy for, and how do you typically begin working through them?
Answer:
Couples often indicate that they are having problems with communication. That may show up as increased conflict or increased distancing. Some things that tend to show up are when one or more partners make invalidating comments to the other, giving them the message that what they say or feel does not make sense or is wrong.
Other times one or more of the couple uses stonewalling or putting up barriers to communication. Language toward or about each other may be contemptuous. Other times, past hurts resurface when there are ruptures in a relationship, sometimes around infidelity, challenges making joint decisions.
Other times for couples with children, the family goes through typical stages of development (having young children, teens, “empty next”) and it becomes difficult for one or more members to make this transition.
How do you help couples communicate when conversations quickly turn into arguments or shutdowns?
Answer:
Slowing down is key! Using some mindful awareness of yourself and your partner can be incredibly useful.
Couples can start to recognize that their conflictual pattern is starting and one or more members and help slow the situation down so that people can speak when they are not experiencing such intense emotions.
What does a healthy relationship look like from a therapist’s perspective?
Answer:
Healthy to me looks like effective communication which inevitably involves disagreement.
It involves stating one’s needs and listening to one’s partner. It also means taking time to honor your partner, recognize their strengths and find ways to have fun together!
Can couples therapy help even if only one partner feels like the relationship is struggling?
Answer:
It depends. I have worked with couples in which one member is the driving force of the couples therapy referral.
If both people have at least a bit of willingness to reflect on their own thoughts, emotions and behaviors, oftentimes couples therapy can be beneficial.
How do you help couples rebuild trust after conflict, betrayal, or emotional disconnection?
Answer:
It can be so hard to work through any disconnect, conflict or betrayal. It is important that each member can take accountability for their behaviors and be open to hearing the effects on the other person. Time and space for healing is important.
People might want to rush to get back to “how things used to be” but it is a lot more complicated than that. If couples are willing to put in the time and effort to process the rupture they can often benefit from the therapy experience.
