We’ve heard it from every Disney movie and sitcom since at least the 1990s: “Trust your feelings.”
But what does that actually mean?
It’s an important question to ask since to “trust your feelings” could mean anything from giving to charity because it feels good, to robbing that same charity for exactly the same reason.
It could also mean being kind to people from another country because that feels like the right thing to do or supporting discrimination for, once again, exactly the same reason.
As anyone who has ever watched a children’s cartoon knows, feeling good is not an excuse for doing bad.
Also, feelings can often be a hindrance when they are in control of us and not the other way around, leading to us being indecisive and wishy washy.
And I’m sure most of us probably wish that we could be more decisive.
So I Should Want To Be A Robot Then?
Nope, not at all.
Encouraging the responsible handling of emotions and advocating the complete elimination of all emotion are two extremely different things.
Emotions and feelings probably play a critical role in your decision-making processes.
Even if you don’t feel what others feel, you still feel something and whatever that something is, is probably as powerful to you in a relative sense as everyone else’s feelings are to them.
In other words, everyone has feelings (even if those feelings are dramatically different to the point of being unrecognizable) and those feelings almost inevitably affect our decisions.
You may not even be aware of this when it happens as humans tend to get so wrapped up in their emotions that they confuse what they are feeling for what is actually happening.
That is most likely going to remain the case for the rest of your life and that is not necessarily a bad thing.
But like with anything else, it’s helpful to develop some skills related to deciphering and handling your feelings so that the decisions you make are good ones.
After all, emotions are only part of decision making.
We also want to consider facts and the short-term/long-term consequences of decisions.
When we make decisions purely based on emotion, we are usually not thinking long-term. Sometimes this can work out great.
Other times, it can lead to more problems.
But you do still want to be able to feel all of what you feel now and to trust your feelings like they are your cherished friends, right?
Well, the good news is that there is a way.
In fact, one main focus of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is one of our specialties here, is developing skills to distinguish when our thoughts and emotions diverge from reality.
The bad news is that, like with anything therapy or self-improvement related, you’re going to have to put in some work and probably do one or two things that you don’t want to do.
But you will find that it’s a small price to pay for the incredible benefits that you’ll get out of it.
Ok, So You Can Trust Your Feelings Then?
Of course.
I never said not to.
However, as they say, “trust, but verify.”
For our purposes, “trust your feelings, but verify them.”
The goal really is to be able to feel all of what you do now and also have the ability to identify which of your feelings are higher priority and which ones are better left alone.
As mentioned previously, our feelings do have a way of running out of control and spiraling to the point that they can get in the way of being able to see or think about the reality of a situation.
Ultimately, many psychological disorders involve difficulty managing emotions or certain emotions.
Broadly speaking, a psychological disorder is one in which a person’s thoughts and/or feelings (as feelings heavily influence thoughts and vice versa) are interfering with their ability to function in some way.
For example, anxiety can make decision-making paralyzing at times. It can be hard to go to work or school if you are severely depressed.
So, basically, what we want to do here is avoid the trap of what we can call “emotional spirals” while also giving our genuine feelings the attention and validation they require.
What Are Emotional Spirals?
I’m so glad you asked.
Emotional spirals can be either pleasurable or painful depending on the direction of the spiral but what all emotional spirals generally have in common is that they are influenced by external factors.
External factors are things outside of yourself and/or outside of your control such as mass media, global affairs, or things other people say or do.
It is vital to always remember that you are not any of these things but rather you are an entity defined by your ability to think, experience, believe, and act.
That is actually what separates humans from animals that feel but don’t think or possess the ability to act in spite of their feelings when what they are feeling isn’t good for them or others.
In that sense, having greater control handling your feelings not only doesn’t make you a robot, it actually makes you more human.
We have the ability to pause and think before reacting, we just have to practice.
It’s a truly human thing to be able to identify where your own feelings get off track and start influencing your thoughts in a negative way such as when ruminating on past mistakes.
So, Trust Your Feelings But Not Too Much?
Close, but not quite.
The question is not whether or not to trust your feelings, but rather whether or not to act on all of your feelings or urges.
I’ll make it make sense.
At any given time, you are almost certainly feeling several different things at once.
Yes or yes?
Let’s say that you feel both joyful in the moment, while also feeling inspired throughout the day to keep working diligently for a cause you have chosen to identify yourself with.
Let’s also pretend for now that you’re not feeling a variety of other things at exactly the same time.
Now let’s say that you’ve chosen this cause because you felt deep down that it was the right thing to do.
Fair enough.
But let’s also consider that this ethically motivated feeling was heavily influenced by newscasters, emotional speeches from politicians, and social media algorithms.
We might even be able to say that this cause of yours was one you didn’t even know existed and which you had lived your whole life in blissful ignorance of until it popped up in your feed.
You may have noticed by now where this is heading.
You could have been either a protester in Poland’s Solidarity movement in the 1980s or a supporter of that same country’s brutal Communist regime at exactly the same time.
In the US, you could have either been a supporter of Segregation or a supporter of Integration during the 1960s depending on the externals (who/what) influenced your feelings.
So what is the difference?
In a word: values.
Values? I Thought This Was About Trusting Your Feelings.
Don’t worry.
This still is about how to trust your feelings, but you can’t effectively do that without looking deep within yourself and determining what your sincere and genuine values really are.
This is for a simple reason and that reason is consistency.
Values are the foundation upon which everything rests when it comes to choosing which of your feelings you should trust and in what order of priority.
Priorities are defined as what is most important to you. To ignore your priorities is to ignore your values and pretend that you don’t have any.
Without an awareness of your values, you are like a piece of driftwood struggling to stay afloat in the middle of the open sea during a category 5 hurricane.
Without that awareness, you will simply be thrown around chaotically by all of the conflicting and competing externals (including people) that are constantly fighting for your attention.
That doesn’t sound stressful or overwhelming at all, does it?
Sounds Reasonable, But How Do I Figure Out My Values?
This is the most important part. Your feelings don’t only influence your values.
Your feelings are actually also influenced by your values.
Yes, that’s right.
I bet you thought I was going to make the rest of this all about how you should subordinate your feelings to your values, huh?
Why is it that some things upset you but others don’t? Especially when those same triggers have exactly the opposite effect on other people?
Are you any more or less capable of experiencing feelings than they are?
So what is the difference between you and them?
Why do they vote the way they do while you vote the opposite way and absolutely can’t understand why they don’t feel what you feel?
For the same reason that a child feels good while doing something wrong and then later feels guilty once they learn that it is wrong.
Once again, the answer is values.
It is impossible to live in this world without values. A person who thinks they don’t have any values is simply a person who is unaware of which values are affecting them.
For example, you may think that you’re making a decision based on a desire for greater security. That may be true in the moment when you are in the middle of the hurricane.
Let’s say that this decision is to stay in an abusive relationship because you think that leaving will risk causing you to become less physically or financially safe.
Unknowingly, you may value freedom and the right to decide things for yourself more – both of which would be the tradeoffs for more security in this scenario.
In this scenario, you’ll have conflicting values that will likely lead to some discomfort or anxiety until you determine your priorities for this particular situation..
This is the key to being able to trust your feelings.
Feelings guide you to your deep core values.
There are ways to go about discovering and sorting your values by order of priority on your own and, if you need some help, you of course know what website you’re reading this on.
Click here for more information on Anxiety Therapy.
